Practicing Focus to Beat Anger Every Time

A year ago this time I wrote a post about anger on the Bookface. This is a big topic for me so I thought I'd capture some of the things that have been marinating for me.

The early part of my life included 25 or more years of dealing badly with #anger. The most dangerous question that a person can ask themselves in a state of anger is "Why..?". Most of the time, there is no satisfactory answer. And even if there is a true answer to the question, you aren't likely to feel better after you know.

The truth about anger is that it is an expensive and, on a long enough timescale, unmaintainable bodily state. The state passes provided that you do not feed it. Anger is a fire.

There are no direct means to snuff the fire out. And trying to NOT think about something is worse than trying TO think about something (just try it).

Indeed, trying to use your mind at all in a state of anger may be utterly futile for the unpracticed. But you do have an action immediately available to you. Focus. Focus is the most readily available means of permitting the fire to self-extinguish.

I mean this both literally and figuratively. You can help move along from anger by simply using your eyes to see what is around you. In a state of anger, it's very unlikely you're actually looking at your environment and seeing it. But taking a moment to do that and to just be where you are is a good start.

You can also focus figuratively on breathing. Or on singing. Or wigging your toes.

On his podcast, Tim Ferris has been talking a lot about depression and he said something that also applies to anger: When the mind is wedged, the escape route is often through the body (though I'll add this caveat: ...provided that you're not doing anything drastic with it).

Focus here starts to mean being fully present to where you are and what your body is feeling.

Being fully present entails a number of implications for the present moment. There are no decisions to make. There is nothing to fix. There is nothing to be proud or ashamed of.

And once you are practiced at this such that you no longer have to remind yourself of any of these truths, you begin to see that you will survive. You see that you are more enduring than any moment. Options for action become available to you which you could not see over the blinding light of the raging fire.

More importantly, you now know in fullness that your mind can become hijacked by your physical state and you may take actions to ensure that you do not put yourself into situations which induce bad physical states (for instance... attending a counter-protest of any kind). Also importantly, you will have practice to notice and to Focus when you become hijacked.

Why does all of this matter? Because the slow-thinking part of your brain is what gets hijacked. But it's the only part of your decision making apparatus with the means to self-correct when you change your understanding of what is going on. Your emotions go where they are led. They don't self-correct... they generally "just are" and can be wrong for an indefinite period of time.

It is only your slow-thinking mind that can see when you have put a lesser truth above a greater truth. And if there is anything the world could use more of, it is the best thinking of every human being on earth. Bad ideas will lead you to bad states and bad actions. Good ideas can set you free.

I hope these ideas help.

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Photo Credit: Allee walkway & Memorial Groves | Craig Fildes | Flickr

Joe Rogan Experience #877 - Jordan Peterson

Jordan Peterson is a clinical psychologist and tenured professor of psychology at the University of Toronto. https://www.youtube.com/user/JordanPetersonVideos http://www.selfauthoring.com/ 100% off the Future Authoring Program code: "ChangeYourself" - The offer is extended until the end of December 7th

I've only checked out the episodes of Rogan that friends have said I have to listen to except for this one, which I have listened to with no recommendation.

Rogan has proven himself to be a really smart and knowledgable host who can hang with nearly anyone, at their level. This one has an amalgam of philsophy, psychology, and mythology and it's pretty dense at times but it's a great discussion about the cancerous effects of Postmodernist philosophy and its war against clear thinking and elevation of feeling over fact.

Peterson has decided to take a vocal stand against recent legislation in Toronto in regards to gender pronouns and I first became aware of him from Sam Harris's podcast but this conversation flows a lot better than the ones between Harris and Peterson.

This is a 3-hour chat. It is profound and worth your time.

Following the Sun: Week 1

I am waking up at 6am these days. 0600.

For a guy who has an average wake up time of about 0800, this is a big shift. I have worked west-coast hours my entire adult life. It is a coping mechanism for the oppressive traffic patterns that come with living in the DC Metro area. To my body, it first felt like waking up at 0300. Now it's the new normal.

Lights Out at Sunset

Starting last week, Liz and I are trying something new. We are shutting down all of the lights and screens in the house shortly after sunset. No artificial lights if we can help it.

This usually happens around 2045 or so. The house is pretty dark by then. We light a couple candles, sit and talk. And then we go and brush and floss by candlelight in the bathroom and then we lie down in bed and talk for a bit before we get tired.

It used to be that I would get tired and go brush and floss and get ready for bed. I would read for a good while before falling asleep.

Now, when the sun has set we turn the lights out as well. There is no reading myself to sleep. At first I missed it. But I find that I feel tired and fall asleep after lying there for a bit. And the book is always there waiting for me in the morning.

I have to plan to get my reading done during the daylight hours now. Often this is in the morning before work and just a bit after dinner before lights out. It's a bit of a guilty pleasure reading fiction early in the morning but it makes for an unrushed feeling about each day.

Mornings At Sunrise

Waking up early hasn't made me efficient. I imagine that I will be able to squeeze in all the things most mornings: Coffee and breakfast. Exercise. Reading. Writing. Music.

In practice, the exercise, writing, and music don't always happen on a daily basis. Some mornings I spend too much time reading the streams of the BookFace. I can pretty much tell you that I always have to drop one of my morning activities because I run out of time.

I used to work 1000 to 1900... but dinner is pretty close to lights out if I get home at 1930, so I intend to start and end work earlier. This will also cut into morning time somewhat. Maybe I will get more efficient over time.

Weekends are especially challenging. It's hard to tear away from the party... hard to get home early enough from evening visits with friends and family to do our shutdown right around sunset. So we pushed into the night a little bit. We will have to find a way to adapt. Maybe by flexing our own rules, maybe by being disciplined about leaving on time.

Changing The Flow

Overall, this has the feel of an experiment to play with the flow of life. In our culture we celebrate being busy and efficient as if it's a good thing without qualification. Sometimes it is good. For instance, if you are holding depression at bay. Slow meandering action is better than no action in this case.

I tend to struggle with something other than depression: the feeling that I don't have enough time for everything I want to learn. I struggle with wondering whether all of the busy I inflict upon myself will add up to contribution and achievement which matters to me in the longest of runs.

Now that the night enforces a routine of rest and quiet upon me, I feel like I have just a bit more mental space. Nothing to read. No devices. Just my own thoughts and talking with Liz while we snuggle.

Last night, we got to talking about work and Liz could tell it was a topic that was going to make it harder for me to sleep. We decided to drop the topic and she stroked my back gently to help settle my mind until she fell asleep. That was really, really nice.

I suspect this sort of practice would break just about any couple out of a rut of feeling like they don't talk to one another enough.

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Photo Credit: "Sunset" by Sunny_mjx from Flickr

A Particularly Truthful Paragraph

> “Of course obstacles exist. But part of life’s purpose is removing obstacles, or at least minimizing their impact. The worst obstacles are not found in nature, but in the irrational or erroneous things human beings do to each other—and to themselves. (For evidence, read world history and examine today’s headlines.) This is one reason why we need a field of psychology, and (more fundamentally) philosophy, and is why human beings eschew these fields at their peril.” http://drhurd.com/index.php/Daily-Dose-of-Reason/Psychology-Self-Improvement/Got-Serenity.html

This one really hits home for me. I’ve been interested in psychology and philosophy a long time and I think I really didn’t notice why until I read this.